Stuck in the moment

This is a bit long... First, A brief update...and then something raw...
As an SBS we have just finished our 1st Quarter of the school. It has been incredible working alongside all the amazing men & women God has brought here for this season. God has been so incredibly faithful so far, it's been such a privilege to see his hand at work in all of our lives. We have 6 more amazing months ahead of us, so please keep us in your prayers as we need endurance, to continue to be grounded in truth, growing in relationships & giving out what we have been given. 


I will be leaving for Australia in 10 days to help pioneer the Titus Project, I am really looking forward to it & I really believe God has a lot in store for each one of us that are involved. I look forward to spending a bit more time in Australia and I am hoping that God continues to give me vision and passion for my future there. 


Changing Gears... my heart is raw. 


So this last weekend several of us took a camping trip to celebrate the end of a successful 1st Quarter. There was a typhoon warning, but we decided to take the risk and just go for it. We had a few rain showers here and there but nothing too serious. We ended up having a great time, playing in the waves at the beach, eating burgers, playing several rounds of Mafia and then attempting to sleep...in the hot sticky tents. The next morning after tearing down camp most people took off for home...but a few of us stayed back to go up to the swimming pools for a while (yes, a campground near the beach with a swimming pool, hot showers & hair dryers...haha...only in Taiwan) Anyways I found myself playing a game with this smaller group of people which was just a simple, lighthearted game... But, as I played this silly game I felt so many insecurities rise up in my heart. It began with the insecurity that I'm not really a good or a fast swimmer - I basically swim like I'm drowning if I have to go fast, haha! Other outward insecurities followed...anyways all of this led into a black hole full of insecurity that I have been trying to shake for 2 days now... several layers of insecurities that are a wall high. I wasn't surprised by the attack, in fact last week all of the women in our school got together and we shared about insecurity and had a prayer time with one another...I was able to share with 2 incredible women about one of the deepest places in my heart, a place that I usually only share with Jesus. I don't think I can share that with you, but what I can say is that I have and am feeling very weak. Believe me when I say I HATE admitting that I feel weak right now... I am usually someone who is really good at holding it all together, or at least I think I am. I'm sure the enemy is stirring things up again while I am raw on the inside.


Why am I telling you this? ... because I desire to be free of these specific chains, these chains of insecurity that tell me I am everything different from who I have actually been created to be by God. The God that knew me and formed me in my mother's womb tells me of his love for me...He speaks incredible promises to me about my future... and he speaks about these things often... but often times I end up believing the lies over believing what HE says about me. The lies are many but to name a few... The lie that I am not smart enough. The lie that I don't work hard enough. The lie that I am boring. The lie that I am doing the wrong thing in life. The lie that I won't get married or have a family. The lie that I am unwanted. And so many more. 
I know why I struggle with so many of these things, when and where they come from...but I don't need to go there.


I just want these chains to break. Every single one of them. 


I don't want to be stuck in the moment anymore of believing these lies over the truth. I don't want to think less of myself when something in my life doesn't go the way I want or think it should. I desire to be free in Christ, completely free...I know this won't happen until I'm with Him but for now I want to really believe not just know that I am loved, unconditionally. The way that God's word speaks about love. 
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends." 1 Cor. 13:4-8 


And I want to be able to give this same love to others. I know I will do a better job when it goes from knowing to believing in my heart. I have been on a long journey with God so far in my life, and am fully aware of the fact that although I have grown, I have so much further to go. So please pray for me. That is the purpose of sharing this with you, that you would pray. Of course everything in me says, DON'T POST THIS...it's too personal...and that's exactly why I am posting it. I don't want to stay stuck in the moment anymore. 


There is a song that has helped me the past few days called 'Break every chain' and the main line of the song is: "There is power in the name of Jesus, to break every chain."  


Here's the link:


http://youtu.be/b6ncg2pLYks